From The Past, Wed, Oct 11 2006

i looked up
Current mood: thankful 

as we were walking back from the cast party;

 i looked up.

that's something i haven't done in such a long time; i'd almost forgotten how.

the stars were magnificent; brightly burning down and asking me why i had forsaken them for so long? The big dipper hung low and majestic just above the tree line; and he was kind and understanding that yes, it's been awhile but now i'm back. and he's okay with that. he's been there for everything. no matter how many times i would look up thru tearfilled eyes; he'd be there.

i sat down on the edge of a booth; no one around.

i could hear the screams and shouts and laughter in the distance; ppl having fun. but i needed to stop and sit and take stock.

it's been a hard lately; nothing seems to be easy. it's been a struggle for so long, and i question why. but then i'm onstage and the smiles are there; the music isthere; the harmonies buzz and reverbrate thru me and yes, it's still there. but it's been so hard.

the night sky was velvet and midnite blue; with just enough tang of fall in the air that the chill was welcome, not invading. i stopped and looked up. i remembered the many times throughout my life i've seen these same stars and how they are constants in my changing and often chaotic life. even when i've been absolutely alone on the other side of the world i can find ones i know.

they were there when i was a child; huddled under a sleeping bag to watch the Leonids; they were there when i would escape at the cottage; when we would lie in the boathouse and look up and dream. they were there in my early 20's when everything was an adventure and being broke was still fun. escaping to the lakeshore and seeing the skyline with the stars faintly appearing gave me hope. in my late 20's searching for truth and meaning; they were still there when i said goodbye to my childhood home. staring up at them in the desert; how they stretched from horizon to horizon; seemingly endless. in paris where i desperately searched but could rarely find them. in the carolina sky how they seemed full of promise. on the beach where they reflected back at me from the lake's depths.in the texas sky how everything seemed so full. in the michigan sky where they all came together.

now in my 30's, on the cusp of mighty changes once again; so much has changed. i have changed. I look up; not for reassurance; but searching for something that even i don't know what it is. 

 i look up and they remind me that it's okay.  go away, and come back. and they will be there, ever present. still watching. waiting to see what the heck i'll do next.

somedays, i just want to throw the pink things down and walk away. walk away and just fade into memory.

 but it's still there... and i'm so thankful.