From The Past, Wed, Oct 11 2006

i looked up
Current mood: thankful 

as we were walking back from the cast party;

 i looked up.

that's something i haven't done in such a long time; i'd almost forgotten how.

the stars were magnificent; brightly burning down and asking me why i had forsaken them for so long? The big dipper hung low and majestic just above the tree line; and he was kind and understanding that yes, it's been awhile but now i'm back. and he's okay with that. he's been there for everything. no matter how many times i would look up thru tearfilled eyes; he'd be there.

i sat down on the edge of a booth; no one around.

i could hear the screams and shouts and laughter in the distance; ppl having fun. but i needed to stop and sit and take stock.

it's been a hard lately; nothing seems to be easy. it's been a struggle for so long, and i question why. but then i'm onstage and the smiles are there; the music isthere; the harmonies buzz and reverbrate thru me and yes, it's still there. but it's been so hard.

the night sky was velvet and midnite blue; with just enough tang of fall in the air that the chill was welcome, not invading. i stopped and looked up. i remembered the many times throughout my life i've seen these same stars and how they are constants in my changing and often chaotic life. even when i've been absolutely alone on the other side of the world i can find ones i know.

they were there when i was a child; huddled under a sleeping bag to watch the Leonids; they were there when i would escape at the cottage; when we would lie in the boathouse and look up and dream. they were there in my early 20's when everything was an adventure and being broke was still fun. escaping to the lakeshore and seeing the skyline with the stars faintly appearing gave me hope. in my late 20's searching for truth and meaning; they were still there when i said goodbye to my childhood home. staring up at them in the desert; how they stretched from horizon to horizon; seemingly endless. in paris where i desperately searched but could rarely find them. in the carolina sky how they seemed full of promise. on the beach where they reflected back at me from the lake's depths.in the texas sky how everything seemed so full. in the michigan sky where they all came together.

now in my 30's, on the cusp of mighty changes once again; so much has changed. i have changed. I look up; not for reassurance; but searching for something that even i don't know what it is. 

 i look up and they remind me that it's okay.  go away, and come back. and they will be there, ever present. still watching. waiting to see what the heck i'll do next.

somedays, i just want to throw the pink things down and walk away. walk away and just fade into memory.

 but it's still there... and i'm so thankful.

From the Past: Saturday, July 15, 2006

Saturday, July 15, 2006 

Overwhelmed Current mood:stunned into activity ever feel like there is just so much to do that you just have to take a nap?? i'm overwhelmed. do i take too much on? i dunno. because if i don't do it, who will? sometimes i feel like i am the only sane one in my family, and for those of you that know me; that's saying a lot. there are costumes to be sewed, in a pile of cut out pieces mocking me as i desperately try to clean the living room by piling everything in the office. the laundry skulks around the upstairs landing and connives with the dustbunnies under the second landing's shelves. the dishes simply multiply with the abandon of bunny rabbits, and the cats shed and meow for their dinner. my mum calls for help; my brother has fully embraced his newfound freedom by racking up a massive visa bill & a new gay boyfriend. no suprise really, and i'm glad he's finally come out. now at least i don't have to humour him by listening to cher 56 times while i visit. i listen to her woes until she turns to how evil my dad is, no kidding, and so i zone out as she rambles by working on some new lyrics to some songs. then i immediately feel guilty for not listening and try to help her focus. which only depresses me more. i hang up eventually. it's only been 3 hours. that's what you do with parents, right? don't get me wrong. i love my mother. but there are songs to be written; the music dances on the page and the microphone lies quietly next to the computer monitor; which balefully glares back at me as it defrags. apparently you can't run 47 programs at once. who knew. i look out the window. the garden cries out for help; the weeds have taken over and are holding the tomatoes ransom. the cabbages tried to rally but the brussel sprouts are holding them back (they're late bloomers). the oregano teases the lavender, who simply wilts and waits for the catnip to take over. the raspberry canes have invaded the cucumbers and honestly; the cukes will just have to fend for themselves. i'm too busy trying to unravel the clothesline from the climbing tea roses that have decided to set the world record for most highest tangled clump ever. the raccoons that live in the garage have decided they don't like me only feeding them catfood and stale bread and so ripped off one eavestrough in protest. you know your howse looks like white trash po'folks live there when uncalled for a repairman comes up to you as you are trying to lug 3 recylcing containers to the curb in heels and a suit and he offers you his card 'just in case'. when i try to do the dishes a cloud of fruitflies  mushrooms up and freaks me out. i drop a dish and it shatters - i look for the broom but it has ducked out of sight; i can hear it snickering with the dustpan at my ineptitude at trying to shuffle the pieces of the plate onto a hunk of cardboard with another hunk of cardboard. traitors. i load the behemoth of a dishwasher that will take 4 hours to do a load and chug an extra $35 dollars (per load) onto my hydro bill.  i really hate doing dished; honestly if i could pay the next door neighbour's kid to do it i would. my desk is a pile of papers and tax receipts; somewhere there is a stapler quietly mourning its' lack of staples - they are now living with the paperclips in bizarre conjugal harmony on my sewing table. which is covered by mounds of costumes, waiting to be sewn, in a pile of cut out pieces mocking me .....